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Why are giraffes necks so long?
So it will reach it's head

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!

What goes around the yard, but stays in the corner ?
A Stamp !!

What is the laziest mountain in the world?
Mount Ever - rest !!

What is always slow to come, but never actually happens?

Why does a traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in front of so many people !!!

Why did the bald man put rabbits on his head ?
Someone said that from a distance they looked like hairs !!!!

What did the policeman say to his tummy ?
You're under 'a Vest' !!!!!!!!!!

Why do witches fly around on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaners don't have long enough cords!!

Why was Cinderella kicked off the cricket team?
She always ran away from the ball !!

Brother : Wow sis, you're pretty dirty!
Sister: I'm even prettier when I'm clean !!

Sanjay : What is the height of stupidity?
Vijay : I don't know, how tall are you ?

Teacher : If you had 16 sweets, and Sanjay asked you for 10, how many
would you have left ?
Vijay : Sixteen !!

Meeta: Why are you so upset?
Lata: My teacher just yelled at me for something I didn't do !
Meeta: What ?
Lata: My Homework...

Customer: Waiter ! Waiter ! Theres a fly in my soup !!
Waiter: Don't worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it !!

A watch dog!

Teacher: Sam, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
Sam: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
Sam: No comb, sir.
Teacher: Use your dad's then.
Sam: No hair, sir.

Teacher: What's the chemical formula for water?
Teacher: What?!
Sam: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Teacher: If I have 7 oranges in one hand and 8 on the other, what would I
Class: Big Hands!!!!!!

In Sam's house :
Father: Your teacher says she finds it's impossible to teach you anything!

Sam: That's why I say she's no good!

Father: Sam, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her.
Sam: (to the aunt) Aunt, I'm sorry you're stupid.

Sam: Mom, teacher was asking me today if I've any brothers or sisters who
will be coming to school.
Mom: That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear.
So what did she say when you told her you're the only child, my dear?
Sam: She just said ... 'Thanks goodness!'

Sam: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so, what do you want me to write?
Sam: Your name on my report card.

Doctor: I've "bad news" and "very bad news" for you.
Patient: Well, might be better give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results.
They said you've 24 hours to live.
Patient: What?! 24 hours! That's terrible!
What could be even worse then? Tell me the very bad news.
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broke...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. "Amen"

"Squawks" are problems noted by Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

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